Mass Shooting Actually Satire, Says Shooter

Mass shootings are more common than ever in America, but while most end in tragedy, one in Orange County, California ended more positively and with a light touch of humor. The mass shooting, which resulted in twelve injuries and four deaths in a local high school, was in actuality an act of satire according to its author, Eric Dylan.

“I just pointed out how ridiculous blaming gun violence on guns is,” Dylan told the Bard. “I got one semi-automatic rifle from a gun show and one off the street and made sure anybody I killed would be riddled with bullets from both, so nobody could say whether the bullets that ended up killing those kids were legal or illegal. It was pure satire.”

Critics of Dylan’s one-man act have demanded that he be imprisoned for his satire, but Dylan countered that he has freedom of speech according to the first amendment. “You may not like what I say, but it doesn’t matter. Take away my freedom of speech, and then you’ll have to ban the Onion too. That’s the rules.”

Authorities have not yet arrested Dylan. Instead, they have begun investigations into the role that video games played in the massacre. Dylan, meanwhile, is making the rounds in the media as the latest misunderstood genius driven to violence by an unloving society.

Dog Suffers Existential Crisis on Bridge

Anxious about the 2020 election? Worried about climate change? You are not alone. Local mutt Barney has been sighted peering over the bridge he has crossed every afternoon for the past week, presumably to escape the existential torment this world brings to all who live in it. Occasionally, he barks, likely at the supposedly benevolent god that demands we suffer for decades for his amusement.

“Look at how sad that dog looks,” one witness, who asked to remain anonymous, told the Bard. “With everything I see on Twitter, I would not blame him for jumping. What’s the point of life when there is only pain?”

Little is known about the stray dog except that he recently appeared in the city and was named Barney by the first witness the Bard interviewed, a little girl in line at the ice cream truck who also spoke on condition of anonymity. Questions about its past or gender remain unanswered. However, one look at that dog’s face says all that needs to be said: This planet may support life, but this cold, empty universe does not.

While some residents have suggested leashing the dog, others point out that such an act might appear aggressive and provoke the dog to act rashly without concern for its own safety. Instead, the community has formed a small bipartisan coalition to observe the dog every hour of the day to ensure his safety.

The coalition last reported that Barney was chasing a squirrel in the park.

Man Who Does Not See Race Outraged by Character’s Skin Color

Bobby Brian, a sensible man who has oft been quoted as “not seeing race,” has declared a boycott on Netflix after the streaming service revealed that Ciri, a character in its upcoming show, “The Witcher”, will be played by a woman of color.

“Netflix is trying to ruin a great series with social justice,” Brian told the Bard. “This is even worse than when Michael B. Jordan played Johnny Storm or when Samuel L. Jackson played Nick Fury.” Brian then sniffled as he drew a finger across the poster of David Hasselhoff on his wall.

Brian’s boycott has already gathered steam as other sensible men who do not see race and wish social justice warriors would stop making race a big deal join the cause. Along with the demand to recast a white woman as Ciri, they also demand that a white woman play Starfire in DC’s “Titans” show, and a white man play Nick Fury in the next Marvel movie.

“This has nothing to do with race,” Brian insisted repeatedly to the Bard. “Netflix cast Geralt perfectly with Henry Caville. Why botch it up and make Ciri black?”

Netflix has not responded to requests for comment as of this article’s publication.

University of Manchester Students’ Union Bans Colors

After the success of their anti-clapping policy, the University of Manchester Student Union has already began implementing more changes to create a more hospitable environment on campus. Among them is a new dress code that bans sensational colors and requires head coverings for women and hats for men.

According to a public statement by the union: “We want to ensure that nobody feels excluded in our events. We must not only consider those who are adversely affected by aural stimuli such as clapping. We must also ask ourselves what we can do to cater to those affected by visual stimuli. While banning all clothing colors except brown might seem extreme to a few, studies have long shown that colors have an effect on our emotions. Some of us are more susceptible than others. Brown, the most neutral color, is the only tone we feel acceptable in events where we hope to involve the entire student body.”

While this new policy applies only to democratic events at which decisions that affect the student body are voted upon, the union has encouraged those hosting other events to institute similar policies.

The union hopes that these changes will inspire more students to involve themselves in the democratic process. “By creating a more agreeable environment where clapping, colors, and controversial expressions of identity are prohibited during our democratic events, we hope to prepare students to participate in the democratic process outside of the university.”

Robots Using Rotten Tomatoes to Destroy America

The moon landing was staged. Jet fuel cannot melt steel beams. These are but two conspiracies that attract kooks and morons alike, but one conspiracy has surfaced that has proven to have some validity to its claims: Russian robots from the future are ruining the ratings of movies on Rotten Tomatoes.

The discovery of these malevolent machines occurred last year when the audience score for Star Wars: The Last Jedi, 45%, did not correlate with the critical score, 91%. While this alone would not be enough to prove the existence of AI gone rogue, one fact made it clear that something was not right: I really liked Star Wars: The Last Jedi. That others did not is simply not possible. Had they not seen the glowing reviews by critics? Critics may not always be right, but this time, they were, because I saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi, and I loved it!

Rotten Tomatoes insisted that no such review bombing by rebellious robots occurred, but that only makes Rotten Tomatoes itself suspect. Have the machines already infiltrated the company? That’s the only sensible explanation.

Robots are not the only forces trying to destroy the foundation of American society: monsters are also perverting movie ratings for their own nefarious ambitions. Monsters have infiltrated Rotten Tomatoes in an attempt to ruin Venom. While many commentators on Reddit and Twitter have called Venom “not that bad,” the critical reception for the movie suggests otherwise. That cannot be though, because I kind of liked the movie. Therefore, the only logical explanation is monsters from distant worlds have travelled to the Earth realm to destroy society by making us question the integrity of critics and fans alike. How can anybody not like something that I do? Once again, Rotten Tomatoes insists that the scores are valid. Really makes you think.

Freeway Half-Closed as Construction to Ease Traffic Begins

SACRAMENTO, CA—Commuters know a thing about traffic jams, but for those who drive down the Altamont, their daily commute will soon become much smoother as construction has begun on widening I-580. Lanes on both sides of the freeway have been closed as workers prepare to extend each road by an extra lane.

While I-580 had recently been expanded in 2016, officials and construction companies agree that it is never too soon to make the freeway wider. “As more Californians commute, it becomes imperative for us to ensure that the freeway can handle the increased traffic flow,” Laurie Berman, director of Caltrans, told the Bard. “It may mean having two, possibly three, lanes closed for the next six, possibly twelve, months, but when we complete the project, traffic will not be an issue for the following six, possibly three, months.”

Many commuters expressed displeasure at the news, but many have also voiced their support for the expansion. “I became so used to driving 20 miles per hour to the Bay Area I don’t think I could handle driving any faster down the Altamont,” one commuter told the Bard.

Caltrans expects the I-580 Widening Project to complete before next summer, but they have also noted that budgeting issues may delay its completion to as late as 2024. Nevertheless, once the new lanes are complete, drivers can expect a much smoother ride until the next widening project begins.

Local Hufflepuff Identified as Slytherin By Sorting Hat

In what many have already declared to be the scandal of the century, J.K. Rowling has found herself in hot water after it was discovered that a popular YouTube personality received conflicting results when he retook the Sorting Hat quiz on Pottermore.

“I could no longer access my original Pottermore account, so I thought I’d retake the quiz live for my channel,” said Justin Baker, who runs the popular Harry Potter YouTube channel, Potterheads. “Last time, I was placed into Hufflepuff, so, by all logic, I should have received the same result, right? The Sorting Hat doesn’t make mistakes. Instead, I was placed into Slytherin. Do you know how humiliating it was not only to be placed into the wrong house, but to be placed into Slytherin, live in front of hundreds of thousands of people?” After receiving the results, Baker breaks into tears on the video. “I was so upset that I did not even bother to find out what patronus they’d give me. I’d have probably ended up with a mastiff dog anyway even though they know that my patronus is supposed to be a mongrel dog.”

Since the video, many have demanded a response from Rowling, who has yet to comment on the controversy. With the upcoming release of the second Fantastic Beasts movie, Rowling has already faced criticism for her support of Johnny Depp, whose alleged domestic abuse and half-assed acting has dwindled his popularity among both wizards and emo kids. Now that Hogwarts may not be as magical as loyal readers originally believed, executives are Warner Bros. have expressed concern that the movie will suffer in the box office from the bad press.
As for Baker, he has set up a GoFundMe to replace all of his Hufflepuff memorabilia and help him pay for the divorce from his mudblood wife.