University of Manchester Students’ Union Bans Colors

After the success of their anti-clapping policy, the University of Manchester Student Union has already began implementing more changes to create a more hospitable environment on campus. Among them is a new dress code that bans sensational colors and requires head coverings for women and hats for men.

According to a public statement by the union: “We want to ensure that nobody feels excluded in our events. We must not only consider those who are adversely affected by aural stimuli such as clapping. We must also ask ourselves what we can do to cater to those affected by visual stimuli. While banning all clothing colors except brown might seem extreme to a few, studies have long shown that colors have an effect on our emotions. Some of us are more susceptible than others. Brown, the most neutral color, is the only tone we feel acceptable in events where we hope to involve the entire student body.”

While this new policy applies only to democratic events at which decisions that affect the student body are voted upon, the union has encouraged those hosting other events to institute similar policies.

The union hopes that these changes will inspire more students to involve themselves in the democratic process. “By creating a more agreeable environment where clapping, colors, and controversial expressions of identity are prohibited during our democratic events, we hope to prepare students to participate in the democratic process outside of the university.”

Robots Using Rotten Tomatoes to Destroy America

The moon landing was staged. Jet fuel cannot melt steel beams. These are but two conspiracies that attract kooks and morons alike, but one conspiracy has surfaced that has proven to have some validity to its claims: Russian robots from the future are ruining the ratings of movies on Rotten Tomatoes.

The discovery of these malevolent machines occurred last year when the audience score for Star Wars: The Last Jedi, 45%, did not correlate with the critical score, 91%. While this alone would not be enough to prove the existence of AI gone rogue, one fact made it clear that something was not right: I really liked Star Wars: The Last Jedi. That others did not is simply not possible. Had they not seen the glowing reviews by critics? Critics may not always be right, but this time, they were, because I saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi, and I loved it!

Rotten Tomatoes insisted that no such review bombing by rebellious robots occurred, but that only makes Rotten Tomatoes itself suspect. Have the machines already infiltrated the company? That’s the only sensible explanation.

Robots are not the only forces trying to destroy the foundation of American society: monsters are also perverting movie ratings for their own nefarious ambitions. Monsters have infiltrated Rotten Tomatoes in an attempt to ruin Venom. While many commentators on Reddit and Twitter have called Venom “not that bad,” the critical reception for the movie suggests otherwise. That cannot be though, because I kind of liked the movie. Therefore, the only logical explanation is monsters from distant worlds have travelled to the Earth realm to destroy society by making us question the integrity of critics and fans alike. How can anybody not like something that I do? Once again, Rotten Tomatoes insists that the scores are valid. Really makes you think.

Freeway Half-Closed as Construction to Ease Traffic Begins

SACRAMENTO, CA—Commuters know a thing about traffic jams, but for those who drive down the Altamont, their daily commute will soon become much smoother as construction has begun on widening I-580. Lanes on both sides of the freeway have been closed as workers prepare to extend each road by an extra lane.

While I-580 had recently been expanded in 2016, officials and construction companies agree that it is never too soon to make the freeway wider. “As more Californians commute, it becomes imperative for us to ensure that the freeway can handle the increased traffic flow,” Laurie Berman, director of Caltrans, told the Bard. “It may mean having two, possibly three, lanes closed for the next six, possibly twelve, months, but when we complete the project, traffic will not be an issue for the following six, possibly three, months.”

Many commuters expressed displeasure at the news, but many have also voiced their support for the expansion. “I became so used to driving 20 miles per hour to the Bay Area I don’t think I could handle driving any faster down the Altamont,” one commuter told the Bard.

Caltrans expects the I-580 Widening Project to complete before next summer, but they have also noted that budgeting issues may delay its completion to as late as 2024. Nevertheless, once the new lanes are complete, drivers can expect a much smoother ride until the next widening project begins.

Local Hufflepuff Identified as Slytherin By Sorting Hat

In what many have already declared to be the scandal of the century, J.K. Rowling has found herself in hot water after it was discovered that a popular YouTube personality received conflicting results when he retook the Sorting Hat quiz on Pottermore.

“I could no longer access my original Pottermore account, so I thought I’d retake the quiz live for my channel,” said Justin Baker, who runs the popular Harry Potter YouTube channel, Potterheads. “Last time, I was placed into Hufflepuff, so, by all logic, I should have received the same result, right? The Sorting Hat doesn’t make mistakes. Instead, I was placed into Slytherin. Do you know how humiliating it was not only to be placed into the wrong house, but to be placed into Slytherin, live in front of hundreds of thousands of people?” After receiving the results, Baker breaks into tears on the video. “I was so upset that I did not even bother to find out what patronus they’d give me. I’d have probably ended up with a mastiff dog anyway even though they know that my patronus is supposed to be a mongrel dog.”

Since the video, many have demanded a response from Rowling, who has yet to comment on the controversy. With the upcoming release of the second Fantastic Beasts movie, Rowling has already faced criticism for her support of Johnny Depp, whose alleged domestic abuse and half-assed acting has dwindled his popularity among both wizards and emo kids. Now that Hogwarts may not be as magical as loyal readers originally believed, executives are Warner Bros. have expressed concern that the movie will suffer in the box office from the bad press.
As for Baker, he has set up a GoFundMe to replace all of his Hufflepuff memorabilia and help him pay for the divorce from his mudblood wife.

Local Drummer Offers Free Performance for Neighbors Each Night

Every night is like Coachella for the residents of Humboldt Street. At 8 PM, when families are preparing for bed after busy days, sixteen-year-old Chris Ulrich steps into his parents’ garage, grabs his drumsticks, and performs on the drum-set his uncle bought him for his birthday two months for one, sometimes two, hours.

Unlike many other musicians, Ulrich does not perform cover pieces nor does he even write music. Instead, he embraces the rhythm beating in his heart and amplifies it through his drums. The most amazing part about this teenage prodigy? Ulrich has never had a day of musical training. This lack of formality gives his performances a raw, unconfined sound that does not conform to any genre but instead is best identified as a post-modern improvisation of modern music.

Although some of his neighbors expected the boy to neglect his musical career once school resumed, most have now accepted that Ulrich is committed to the craft and will continue to perform his neighbors every night.

Neither Ulrich nor his parents could not be reached for comment.

Lana del Rey Faces Pressure to Cancel US Tour Amidst Human Rights Violations

After receiving criticism for her decision to perform in Israel, pop singer Lana del Rey has found herself in the midst of another controversy as pressure increases for her not only to cancel her performances in Israel, but also in the United States of America.

Citing numerous violations of human rights by the United States of America due to their zero-tolerance immigration policy that have separated immigrant families, many of whom have yet to be reunited, and unlawfully imprisoned them in cages, critics have urged performers to show solidarity to the America’s victims and cancel performances in the country. “If you perform in a nation that violates human rights such as Israel, China, Russia, or America, you are showing your support for that nation’s actions,” political expert John Graham told the Bard. “You enable them to continue their human rights violations.”

While the singer reaffirmed her commitment to performing in Israel on Instagram, adding that she would also visit Palestine during her trip, she has yet to respond to the call not to perform in the United States. Many artists have already canceled performances in Israel as well as America. Tours on entire continents, including Europe and North America with the exception of Canada, have been dropped to show solidarity for the marginalized and oppressed in those regions.

In spite of the political controversy of performing in an oppressive region, Lana del Rey’s tour dates remain sold out, confirming that all Americans adore and fully support their current administration.

Franchise Fatigue to Blame for Poor Box Office Sales

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After the latest Star Wars movie, Solo: A Star Wars Story, severely underperformed and is expected to end its box office run with a loss of at least $80 million, movie companies are trying to determine the cause of the recent batch of movies that have failed to attract audiences. Some are speculating that moviegoers are experiencing a “Star Wars movie fatigue.”

“When Star Wars: The Force Awakens made two billion dollars, we expected that future movies would enjoy similar success,” said Kathleen Kennedy, president of Disney’s Lucasfilms. “However, we are discovering that movies made by committees that lack imagination and appeal to the lowest common denominator of audiences and rely solely on the strength of the brand are not drawing in the public as much as before.” When asked if Disney has a plan to deal with the recent Star Wars fatigue, Kennedy stated, “We have a Boba Fett movie in the works right now. He’s pretty popular, almost as popular as Han Solo, so that should be a much bigger success.”

Marvel Studios, also owned by Disney, has avoided this fatigue by spreading out the release of its movies: Ant-Man and the Wasp was released a whopping two months after the last Marvel movie, Avengers: Infinity War, which finally arrived after three months from Black Panther. However, analysts are sure that Marvel will suffer in the box office from a similar movie fatigue sometime in the next decade.

Other studios have suffered from similar fatigues. Last November, Warner Bros.’ Justice League failed to reach the success of even the divisive Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, which Warner Bros. promised would ape Marvel Studios films even more blatantly and half-assedly than previous attempts. All of Sony’s and Paramount’s have also suffered from fatigues of their respective brands, including popular ones such as Ghostbusters.

“The problem with Ghostbusters: Answer the Call, was that a few decades between movies was just not enough time for the audience to rest and be ready for the next one,” said Paul Feig, director of Ghostbusters. “People do not have time in their busy schedules to watch three movies in thirty years.” Despite suffering from fatigue of most of their franchises, Sony is optimistic that their next movie, The Emoji Movie 2, will be a success now that people are no longer suffering from Emoji Movie fatigue.