Robots Using Rotten Tomatoes to Destroy America

The moon landing was staged. Jet fuel cannot melt steel beams. These are but two conspiracies that attract kooks and morons alike, but one conspiracy has surfaced that has proven to have some validity to its claims: Russian robots from the future are ruining the ratings of movies on Rotten Tomatoes.

The discovery of these malevolent machines occurred last year when the audience score for Star Wars: The Last Jedi, 45%, did not correlate with the critical score, 91%. While this alone would not be enough to prove the existence of AI gone rogue, one fact made it clear that something was not right: I really liked Star Wars: The Last Jedi. That others did not is simply not possible. Had they not seen the glowing reviews by critics? Critics may not always be right, but this time, they were, because I saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi, and I loved it!

Rotten Tomatoes insisted that no such review bombing by rebellious robots occurred, but that only makes Rotten Tomatoes itself suspect. Have the machines already infiltrated the company? That’s the only sensible explanation.

Robots are not the only forces trying to destroy the foundation of American society: monsters are also perverting movie ratings for their own nefarious ambitions. Monsters have infiltrated Rotten Tomatoes in an attempt to ruin Venom. While many commentators on Reddit and Twitter have called Venom “not that bad,” the critical reception for the movie suggests otherwise. That cannot be though, because I kind of liked the movie. Therefore, the only logical explanation is monsters from distant worlds have travelled to the Earth realm to destroy society by making us question the integrity of critics and fans alike. How can anybody not like something that I do? Once again, Rotten Tomatoes insists that the scores are valid. Really makes you think.

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