University of Manchester Students’ Union Bans Colors

After the success of their anti-clapping policy, the University of Manchester Student Union has already began implementing more changes to create a more hospitable environment on campus. Among them is a new dress code that bans sensational colors and requires head coverings for women and hats for men.

According to a public statement by the union: “We want to ensure that nobody feels excluded in our events. We must not only consider those who are adversely affected by aural stimuli such as clapping. We must also ask ourselves what we can do to cater to those affected by visual stimuli. While banning all clothing colors except brown might seem extreme to a few, studies have long shown that colors have an effect on our emotions. Some of us are more susceptible than others. Brown, the most neutral color, is the only tone we feel acceptable in events where we hope to involve the entire student body.”

While this new policy applies only to democratic events at which decisions that affect the student body are voted upon, the union has encouraged those hosting other events to institute similar policies.

The union hopes that these changes will inspire more students to involve themselves in the democratic process. “By creating a more agreeable environment where clapping, colors, and controversial expressions of identity are prohibited during our democratic events, we hope to prepare students to participate in the democratic process outside of the university.”

Local Christian Discovers God Exactly Like Him

LATHROP, CA—Good news for Lathrop resident Brett Graham: After a summer church retreat in Pinecrest, Graham discovered that God is perfectly pleased with the way he lives his life. Not only does God have zero objection to the many activities in which Graham participates, but God agrees with him on every subject, no matter how miniscule. It turns out that while God is also a huge Star Wars fan, he too agreed with Graham that the last two movies were disappointing.

Many at Graham’s local church were skeptical of his revelation, which included the fact that God prefers blondes like Graham’s new girlfriend to brunettes like Graham’s ex-girlfriend, but he erased all doubt when he shared his testimony the following Sunday. “While many have misinterpret coincidences in life as messages from God, what sets Graham apart is that he had a hunch that the signs he witnessed were real. His description of God, from his taste in music to his political affiliations, also conforms with what we know to be the true biblical nature of God,” said senior pastor Kevin White.

While Graham’s church has come to support him, other local churches argue that Graham’s revelations were heretic as members of their own congregations have experienced the true nature of God, some of which depict God as more of a fan of Lord of the Rings.

New Twitter Feature Makes Weaponizing Tweets Easier Than Ever

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—While Twitter struggles to maintain marketshare in the battle of social networks, the company may have found its killer feature: Whistleblower. As a response to the recent headlines of Twitter becoming the new weapon of choice for political groups, the social network has announced that using its service to pressure companies to fire political dissidents will be easier than ever.

“Thanks to our new algorithms and partnerships, finding the perfect tweet to use against your political opponents is as simple as using our search engine,” Jack Dorsey, president of Twitter, told the Bard. “Whereas the search engine previously required users to search for specific words in tweets, you can now simply search their tweets based on what crime you want to accuse them of. Our algorithm will then not only produce the tweets most likely to cause the most damage but will also show any tweets they have liked or retweeted that could also be used against them.”

What really makes Whistleblower effective though is Twitter’s partnerships with hundreds of media companies. By clicking the Whistleblower icon on a tweet, not only will the tweet be sent to dozens of media sites, but if the corporation that employs the targeted Twitter user is one of Twitter’s partners, the tweets will also be sent directly to their HR departments.

Some critics have argued that the new feature will create a more toxic community, but others have pointed out that gamifying the social network will make it a more exciting and dynamic place. “Battle royal games are very popular these days, but what is more fun than destroying somebody in a video game?” said strategic analyst Kevin Thompson. “Destroying somebody in real life.”

Although these are exciting changes for the social network, Twitter stresses that the service is still in beta and only select users of select political affiliations have access to it right now, but they hope to have the service ready for the general public by next year provided that everybody has not been driven off by then.

Local Church No Longer Openly Supports Trump Administration

RIPON, CA—In a move that may signal a political shift in the religious community, Kingdom Valley Church has announced that it no longer explicitly supports current direction of President Trump’s administration.

“While we will continue to vote exclusively Republican and have every intention to see Trump reelected in 2020, we want the world to know that we no longer openly stand behind his controversial policies,” Matt Sagan, senior pastor of Kingdom Valley Church, told the Bard. “President Trump may be a godsend against the likes of Hilary Clinton, but his administration’s action of separating children from their parents has proven unpopular even among some of our congregation. As such, we have decided not only to cease gloating about our political victories so openly and to half-heartedly admonish the president for actions that do not bother us but apparently bother many others.”

Elders of the church hope that their move away from politics will not only entice those who recently left the church to return, but to also draw business to their new coffeehouse that promises to have the high-quality coffee you’d expect from Starbucks but with a Christian twist. “We print Bible verses on the bottoms of the cups,” Sagan said.

Other churches are following in Kingdom Valley’s footsteps. “If our coffers demand that we bite our tongues when it comes to jokes about the unattractiveness of Trump’s accusers during our sermons, then so be it,” said an anonymous source from a competing church. “We can save them for our men’s retreats.”

Vegans Censured for Vegetable Abuse

SAN BRUNO, CA—Although vegans claim to live a cruelty-free life, the plant-based community recently came under-fire after a YouTube video exposed their violent behavior. In the video titled “Fuck Vegan Cucks”, YouTuber cyborg69frog points out the hypocrisy of claiming to live a cruelty-free life while devouring innocent carrots and tomatoes.

“Tomatoes are living creatures too,” cyborg69frog says in his video. “Every time you eat a salad, you kill more animals than I do when I eat a Big Mac.” The video has over 200 views and has been reposted by dozens of blogs, including Buzzfeed. While many of the comments agreed with the airtight logic of the video, including how the high cost of fruits and vegetables is the fault of vegans, some vegans had the gall to harass the YouTuber by expressing disagreement and showing zero remorse for their violence against pears, which have as much sentience as cats and dogs.

cyborg69frog ended the video by stating “Fuck PETA.” PETA has not responded as of the publication of this article, but who cares if they even did? They murder lettuce. They’re the real monsters, not the people who shoot endangered species for fun or believe slaughtering cows don’t hurt them because commercials show them skateboarding.