Robots Using Rotten Tomatoes to Destroy America

The moon landing was staged. Jet fuel cannot melt steel beams. These are but two conspiracies that attract kooks and morons alike, but one conspiracy has surfaced that has proven to have some validity to its claims: Russian robots from the future are ruining the ratings of movies on Rotten Tomatoes.

The discovery of these malevolent machines occurred last year when the audience score for Star Wars: The Last Jedi, 45%, did not correlate with the critical score, 91%. While this alone would not be enough to prove the existence of AI gone rogue, one fact made it clear that something was not right: I really liked Star Wars: The Last Jedi. That others did not is simply not possible. Had they not seen the glowing reviews by critics? Critics may not always be right, but this time, they were, because I saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi, and I loved it!

Rotten Tomatoes insisted that no such review bombing by rebellious robots occurred, but that only makes Rotten Tomatoes itself suspect. Have the machines already infiltrated the company? That’s the only sensible explanation.

Robots are not the only forces trying to destroy the foundation of American society: monsters are also perverting movie ratings for their own nefarious ambitions. Monsters have infiltrated Rotten Tomatoes in an attempt to ruin Venom. While many commentators on Reddit and Twitter have called Venom “not that bad,” the critical reception for the movie suggests otherwise. That cannot be though, because I kind of liked the movie. Therefore, the only logical explanation is monsters from distant worlds have travelled to the Earth realm to destroy society by making us question the integrity of critics and fans alike. How can anybody not like something that I do? Once again, Rotten Tomatoes insists that the scores are valid. Really makes you think.

Franchise Fatigue to Blame for Poor Box Office Sales

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After the latest Star Wars movie, Solo: A Star Wars Story, severely underperformed and is expected to end its box office run with a loss of at least $80 million, movie companies are trying to determine the cause of the recent batch of movies that have failed to attract audiences. Some are speculating that moviegoers are experiencing a “Star Wars movie fatigue.”

“When Star Wars: The Force Awakens made two billion dollars, we expected that future movies would enjoy similar success,” said Kathleen Kennedy, president of Disney’s Lucasfilms. “However, we are discovering that movies made by committees that lack imagination and appeal to the lowest common denominator of audiences and rely solely on the strength of the brand are not drawing in the public as much as before.” When asked if Disney has a plan to deal with the recent Star Wars fatigue, Kennedy stated, “We have a Boba Fett movie in the works right now. He’s pretty popular, almost as popular as Han Solo, so that should be a much bigger success.”

Marvel Studios, also owned by Disney, has avoided this fatigue by spreading out the release of its movies: Ant-Man and the Wasp was released a whopping two months after the last Marvel movie, Avengers: Infinity War, which finally arrived after three months from Black Panther. However, analysts are sure that Marvel will suffer in the box office from a similar movie fatigue sometime in the next decade.

Other studios have suffered from similar fatigues. Last November, Warner Bros.’ Justice League failed to reach the success of even the divisive Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, which Warner Bros. promised would ape Marvel Studios films even more blatantly and half-assedly than previous attempts. All of Sony’s and Paramount’s have also suffered from fatigues of their respective brands, including popular ones such as Ghostbusters.

“The problem with Ghostbusters: Answer the Call, was that a few decades between movies was just not enough time for the audience to rest and be ready for the next one,” said Paul Feig, director of Ghostbusters. “People do not have time in their busy schedules to watch three movies in thirty years.” Despite suffering from fatigue of most of their franchises, Sony is optimistic that their next movie, The Emoji Movie 2, will be a success now that people are no longer suffering from Emoji Movie fatigue.

Local Movie Slightly Underperforms

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lucasfilm’s Solo: A Star Wars Story was reported to have slightly underperformed during its cinematic run with a small loss of hundreds of millions of dollars. Although preliminary forecasts suggested that the movie could exceed a billion dollars as the last three Star Wars movies had, Solo was unable to reach even half that amount in ticket sales and is not expected to do much more now that much better movies such as Unfriended: Dark Web and Teen Titans Go! to the Movies are now in theaters.
“Although ticket sales were not as high as we had hoped,” Kathleen Kennedy, president of Lucasfilm, told the Bard,“we believe this movie has done well and Lucasfilm will continue with our plan to release origin movies of other tertiary characters in the Star Wars universe, including Greedo and the opera singer from The Last Jedi.”
Despite its muted performance, few are blaming the quality of the movie itself. Professional critics believe that fans are suffering from Star Wars fatigue because of the amount of amazing Star Wars movies coming out in such a short amount of time. “Four Star Wars movies have come out in the last three years,” Chip Robertson, top critic of Rotten Tomatoes, said. “That’s literally unheard of. Name one other franchise that has released movies annually and maintained unprecedented success.” Others are blaming the fact that Mercury is in retrograde. Either way, the film’s quality is not in question and neither is Kathleen Kennedy’s flawless performance as president of Lucasfilm.
The next Star Wars movie, Jar Jar: A Star Wars Story, has been delayed as it undergoes hasty edits and expensive reshoots that will surely help it exceed a billion dollars in box office sales.