Mass Shooting Actually Satire, Says Shooter

Mass shootings are more common than ever in America, but while most end in tragedy, one in Orange County, California ended more positively and with a light touch of humor. The mass shooting, which resulted in twelve injuries and four deaths in a local high school, was in actuality an act of satire according to its author, Eric Dylan.

“I just pointed out how ridiculous blaming gun violence on guns is,” Dylan told the Bard. “I got one semi-automatic rifle from a gun show and one off the street and made sure anybody I killed would be riddled with bullets from both, so nobody could say whether the bullets that ended up killing those kids were legal or illegal. It was pure satire.”

Critics of Dylan’s one-man act have demanded that he be imprisoned for his satire, but Dylan countered that he has freedom of speech according to the first amendment. “You may not like what I say, but it doesn’t matter. Take away my freedom of speech, and then you’ll have to ban the Onion too. That’s the rules.”

Authorities have not yet arrested Dylan. Instead, they have begun investigations into the role that video games played in the massacre. Dylan, meanwhile, is making the rounds in the media as the latest misunderstood genius driven to violence by an unloving society.