Kente-Wearing Democrats Applauded by White People

White people across Twitter applauded White House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and other top Democrats on Monday for showing solidarity with black people by wearing Kente cloth and taking a knee in honor of George Floyd, the man murdered by police officers in Minnesota. Kente cloth has been worn for special occasions among Africans, but Monday marked the first time the traditional Ghanaian attire made of silk and cotton has been seen among American politicians.

“I didn’t even know what Kente cloth was last week,” tweeted @TrashTheCheeto, “but I am proud to belong to a political party that is so inclusive. If I were black, the only thing that could make me prouder is if Obama became president again.”

Not all white people approved of the message though. Some criticized the demonstration as racially insensitive. “If I were black,” tweeted @PunchPelosiPaunch. “I’d be furious! More than I already am! Don’t they know that Republicans freed the slaves! Just ask Kanye!” Many other Twitter users whose profiles sported similar combinations of the American flag, the confederate flag, a bald eagle, and blond Jesus agreed that if Republicans were so racist, some of their best friends wouldn’t be black.

Unfortunately, there was no time left in the writing of this article to gather opinions from actual black people.

[EDITOR NOTE: The capitalization, punctuation, and spelling of tweets have been fixed to be somewhat coherent.]

Lana del Rey Faces Pressure to Cancel US Tour Amidst Human Rights Violations

After receiving criticism for her decision to perform in Israel, pop singer Lana del Rey has found herself in the midst of another controversy as pressure increases for her not only to cancel her performances in Israel, but also in the United States of America.

Citing numerous violations of human rights by the United States of America due to their zero-tolerance immigration policy that have separated immigrant families, many of whom have yet to be reunited, and unlawfully imprisoned them in cages, critics have urged performers to show solidarity to the America’s victims and cancel performances in the country. “If you perform in a nation that violates human rights such as Israel, China, Russia, or America, you are showing your support for that nation’s actions,” political expert John Graham told the Bard. “You enable them to continue their human rights violations.”

While the singer reaffirmed her commitment to performing in Israel on Instagram, adding that she would also visit Palestine during her trip, she has yet to respond to the call not to perform in the United States. Many artists have already canceled performances in Israel as well as America. Tours on entire continents, including Europe and North America with the exception of Canada, have been dropped to show solidarity for the marginalized and oppressed in those regions.

In spite of the political controversy of performing in an oppressive region, Lana del Rey’s tour dates remain sold out, confirming that all Americans adore and fully support their current administration.

Local Christian Discovers God Exactly Like Him

LATHROP, CA—Good news for Lathrop resident Brett Graham: After a summer church retreat in Pinecrest, Graham discovered that God is perfectly pleased with the way he lives his life. Not only does God have zero objection to the many activities in which Graham participates, but God agrees with him on every subject, no matter how miniscule. It turns out that while God is also a huge Star Wars fan, he too agreed with Graham that the last two movies were disappointing.

Many at Graham’s local church were skeptical of his revelation, which included the fact that God prefers blondes like Graham’s new girlfriend to brunettes like Graham’s ex-girlfriend, but he erased all doubt when he shared his testimony the following Sunday. “While many have misinterpret coincidences in life as messages from God, what sets Graham apart is that he had a hunch that the signs he witnessed were real. His description of God, from his taste in music to his political affiliations, also conforms with what we know to be the true biblical nature of God,” said senior pastor Kevin White.

While Graham’s church has come to support him, other local churches argue that Graham’s revelations were heretic as members of their own congregations have experienced the true nature of God, some of which depict God as more of a fan of Lord of the Rings.

Local Church No Longer Openly Supports Trump Administration

RIPON, CA—In a move that may signal a political shift in the religious community, Kingdom Valley Church has announced that it no longer explicitly supports current direction of President Trump’s administration.

“While we will continue to vote exclusively Republican and have every intention to see Trump reelected in 2020, we want the world to know that we no longer openly stand behind his controversial policies,” Matt Sagan, senior pastor of Kingdom Valley Church, told the Bard. “President Trump may be a godsend against the likes of Hilary Clinton, but his administration’s action of separating children from their parents has proven unpopular even among some of our congregation. As such, we have decided not only to cease gloating about our political victories so openly and to half-heartedly admonish the president for actions that do not bother us but apparently bother many others.”

Elders of the church hope that their move away from politics will not only entice those who recently left the church to return, but to also draw business to their new coffeehouse that promises to have the high-quality coffee you’d expect from Starbucks but with a Christian twist. “We print Bible verses on the bottoms of the cups,” Sagan said.

Other churches are following in Kingdom Valley’s footsteps. “If our coffers demand that we bite our tongues when it comes to jokes about the unattractiveness of Trump’s accusers during our sermons, then so be it,” said an anonymous source from a competing church. “We can save them for our men’s retreats.”