Dog Suffers Existential Crisis on Bridge

Anxious about the 2020 election? Worried about climate change? You are not alone. Local mutt Barney has been sighted peering over the bridge he has crossed every afternoon for the past week, presumably to escape the existential torment this world brings to all who live in it. Occasionally, he barks, likely at the supposedly benevolent god that demands we suffer for decades for his amusement.

“Look at how sad that dog looks,” one witness, who asked to remain anonymous, told the Bard. “With everything I see on Twitter, I would not blame him for jumping. What’s the point of life when there is only pain?”

Little is known about the stray dog except that he recently appeared in the city and was named Barney by the first witness the Bard interviewed, a little girl in line at the ice cream truck who also spoke on condition of anonymity. Questions about its past or gender remain unanswered. However, one look at that dog’s face says all that needs to be said: This planet may support life, but this cold, empty universe does not.

While some residents have suggested leashing the dog, others point out that such an act might appear aggressive and provoke the dog to act rashly without concern for its own safety. Instead, the community has formed a small bipartisan coalition to observe the dog every hour of the day to ensure his safety.

The coalition last reported that Barney was chasing a squirrel in the park.