RIPON, CA—In a move that may signal a political shift in the religious community, Kingdom Valley Church has announced that it no longer explicitly supports current direction of President Trump’s administration.
“While we will continue to vote exclusively Republican and have every intention to see Trump reelected in 2020, we want the world to know that we no longer openly stand behind his controversial policies,” Matt Sagan, senior pastor of Kingdom Valley Church, told the Bard. “President Trump may be a godsend against the likes of Hilary Clinton, but his administration’s action of separating children from their parents has proven unpopular even among some of our congregation. As such, we have decided not only to cease gloating about our political victories so openly and to half-heartedly admonish the president for actions that do not bother us but apparently bother many others.”
Elders of the church hope that their move away from politics will not only entice those who recently left the church to return, but to also draw business to their new coffeehouse that promises to have the high-quality coffee you’d expect from Starbucks but with a Christian twist. “We print Bible verses on the bottoms of the cups,” Sagan said.
Other churches are following in Kingdom Valley’s footsteps. “If our coffers demand that we bite our tongues when it comes to jokes about the unattractiveness of Trump’s accusers during our sermons, then so be it,” said an anonymous source from a competing church. “We can save them for our men’s retreats.”
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Lucasfilm’s Solo: A Star Wars Story was reported to have slightly underperformed during its cinematic run with a small loss of hundreds of millions of dollars. Although preliminary forecasts suggested that the movie could exceed a billion dollars as the last three Star Wars movies had, Solo was unable to reach even half that amount in ticket sales and is not expected to do much more now that much better movies such as Unfriended: Dark Web and Teen Titans Go! to the Movies are now in theaters.
“Although ticket sales were not as high as we had hoped,” Kathleen Kennedy, president of Lucasfilm, told the Bard,“we believe this movie has done well and Lucasfilm will continue with our plan to release origin movies of other tertiary characters in the Star Wars universe, including Greedo and the opera singer from The Last Jedi.”
Despite its muted performance, few are blaming the quality of the movie itself. Professional critics believe that fans are suffering from Star Wars fatigue because of the amount of amazing Star Wars movies coming out in such a short amount of time. “Four Star Wars movies have come out in the last three years,” Chip Robertson, top critic of Rotten Tomatoes, said. “That’s literally unheard of. Name one other franchise that has released movies annually and maintained unprecedented success.” Others are blaming the fact that Mercury is in retrograde. Either way, the film’s quality is not in question and neither is Kathleen Kennedy’s flawless performance as president of Lucasfilm.
The next Star Wars movie, Jar Jar: A Star Wars Story, has been delayed as it undergoes hasty edits and expensive reshoots that will surely help it exceed a billion dollars in box office sales.
SAN BRUNO, CA—Although vegans claim to live a cruelty-free life, the plant-based community recently came under-fire after a YouTube video exposed their violent behavior. In the video titled “Fuck Vegan Cucks”, YouTuber cyborg69frog points out the hypocrisy of claiming to live a cruelty-free life while devouring innocent carrots and tomatoes.
“Tomatoes are living creatures too,” cyborg69frog says in his video. “Every time you eat a salad, you kill more animals than I do when I eat a Big Mac.” The video has over 200 views and has been reposted by dozens of blogs, including Buzzfeed. While many of the comments agreed with the airtight logic of the video, including how the high cost of fruits and vegetables is the fault of vegans, some vegans had the gall to harass the YouTuber by expressing disagreement and showing zero remorse for their violence against pears, which have as much sentience as cats and dogs.
cyborg69frog ended the video by stating “Fuck PETA.” PETA has not responded as of the publication of this article, but who cares if they even did? They murder lettuce. They’re the real monsters, not the people who shoot endangered species for fun or believe slaughtering cows don’t hurt them because commercials show them skateboarding.
It is not everyday that a new satire site is created on the internet. It is more like every other day, and today was the day scheduled for me to release mine. This has been a dream of mine since The Onion rejected my application and I vowed to make them pay. Two years and $30 later, my Onion-killing website, Bard Kitty, is open and ready for business.
Bard Kitty is still in its infancy as I figure out the direction to take my new voice on the internet. Should I focus on derivative political humor that takes little effort but promises great dividends as I reaffirm the preconceived notions of my readership, or should I try for a more esoteric and experimental voice that guarantees to confuse more than entertains? I can also just give up this venture right now rather than two weeks from now when the novelty wears off and this is no longer is fun. Whatever I decide to do though, one thing is clear: Revenge cannot wait for me to figure out how to set up my Patreon.
Thus, Bard Kitty is born. Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to send me any positive comments and reassurances that the Onion was wrong not to hire me that you may have!