A Dog President?!

The 2016 election proved that political experience is not only unnecessary in a presidential candidate, but undesirable. Corrupt politicians have more political experience than anybody else, so it stood to reason to many voters that a man without experience would be incorruptible. While that debate is still open, 2020 is already shifting the paradigm once more: Not only does a president not need experience, but he does not even need to be mentally sound.

Democrats and Republicans agree on less day by day, but both have thrown their full support behind candidates who exhibit deteriorating mental capacity. One presents his growing insanity to the nation through unhinged tweets on Twitter while the other forgets where is and what he is doing more often than should be comfortable for the potential leader of the free world. Whether or not either or both men end up vegetables by November, Democrats and Republicans agree that their mentally unwell candidate of choice is the best man for the job.

Everybody else who does not live as if everything is a conspiracy orchestrated by Russian bots or Obama may have written off 2020 as a lost cause, but while the next four years will be interesting to say the least, they will bring us one step closer to a new kind of president: a dog president. Dogs are innocent of the political ambitions that often corrupt governments, and they wear their true intentions on their tails. They are also loyal to a fault to their masters. Imagine a dog who saw America as its master. They would truly put America first.

Are there obstacles to a dog president? Some might think the U.S. Constitution disqualifies them, but even if the constitution were still valid, nowhere does it specifically state that a dog cannot be president. The president must have simply been born in America and be at least 35 years of age. It does not specify whether those are human years or dog years.

Voting for a dog may not be the most sensible act, but neither is voting for men whose senses are failing them. That’s why, come 2024, I am endorsing Air Bud as president.

Image created from images by congerdesign and Angelique Johnson from Pixabay

Kente-Wearing Democrats Applauded by White People

White people across Twitter applauded White House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and other top Democrats on Monday for showing solidarity with black people by wearing Kente cloth and taking a knee in honor of George Floyd, the man murdered by police officers in Minnesota. Kente cloth has been worn for special occasions among Africans, but Monday marked the first time the traditional Ghanaian attire made of silk and cotton has been seen among American politicians.

“I didn’t even know what Kente cloth was last week,” tweeted @TrashTheCheeto, “but I am proud to belong to a political party that is so inclusive. If I were black, the only thing that could make me prouder is if Obama became president again.”

Not all white people approved of the message though. Some criticized the demonstration as racially insensitive. “If I were black,” tweeted @PunchPelosiPaunch. “I’d be furious! More than I already am! Don’t they know that Republicans freed the slaves! Just ask Kanye!” Many other Twitter users whose profiles sported similar combinations of the American flag, the confederate flag, a bald eagle, and blond Jesus agreed that if Republicans were so racist, some of their best friends wouldn’t be black.

Unfortunately, there was no time left in the writing of this article to gather opinions from actual black people.

[EDITOR NOTE: The capitalization, punctuation, and spelling of tweets have been fixed to be somewhat coherent.]

Freeway Half-Closed as Construction to Ease Traffic Begins

SACRAMENTO, CA—Commuters know a thing about traffic jams, but for those who drive down the Altamont, their daily commute will soon become much smoother as construction has begun on widening I-580. Lanes on both sides of the freeway have been closed as workers prepare to extend each road by an extra lane.

While I-580 had recently been expanded in 2016, officials and construction companies agree that it is never too soon to make the freeway wider. “As more Californians commute, it becomes imperative for us to ensure that the freeway can handle the increased traffic flow,” Laurie Berman, director of Caltrans, told the Bard. “It may mean having two, possibly three, lanes closed for the next six, possibly twelve, months, but when we complete the project, traffic will not be an issue for the following six, possibly three, months.”

Many commuters expressed displeasure at the news, but many have also voiced their support for the expansion. “I became so used to driving 20 miles per hour to the Bay Area I don’t think I could handle driving any faster down the Altamont,” one commuter told the Bard.

Caltrans expects the I-580 Widening Project to complete before next summer, but they have also noted that budgeting issues may delay its completion to as late as 2024. Nevertheless, once the new lanes are complete, drivers can expect a much smoother ride until the next widening project begins.