Vegans Censured for Vegetable Abuse

SAN BRUNO, CA—Although vegans claim to live a cruelty-free life, the plant-based community recently came under-fire after a YouTube video exposed their violent behavior. In the video titled “Fuck Vegan Cucks”, YouTuber cyborg69frog points out the hypocrisy of claiming to live a cruelty-free life while devouring innocent carrots and tomatoes.

“Tomatoes are living creatures too,” cyborg69frog says in his video. “Every time you eat a salad, you kill more animals than I do when I eat a Big Mac.” The video has over 200 views and has been reposted by dozens of blogs, including Buzzfeed. While many of the comments agreed with the airtight logic of the video, including how the high cost of fruits and vegetables is the fault of vegans, some vegans had the gall to harass the YouTuber by expressing disagreement and showing zero remorse for their violence against pears, which have as much sentience as cats and dogs.

cyborg69frog ended the video by stating “Fuck PETA.” PETA has not responded as of the publication of this article, but who cares if they even did? They murder lettuce. They’re the real monsters, not the people who shoot endangered species for fun or believe slaughtering cows don’t hurt them because commercials show them skateboarding.

The Journey Begins

It is not everyday that a new satire site is created on the internet. It is more like every other day, and today was the day scheduled for me to release mine. This has been a dream of mine since The Onion rejected my application and I vowed to make them pay. Two years and $30 later, my Onion-killing website, Bard Kitty, is open and ready for business.

Bard Kitty is still in its infancy as I figure out the direction to take my new voice on the internet. Should I focus on derivative political humor that takes little effort but promises great dividends as I reaffirm the preconceived notions of my readership, or should I try for a more esoteric and experimental voice that guarantees to confuse more than entertains? I can also just give up this venture right now rather than two weeks from now when the novelty wears off and this is no longer is fun. Whatever I decide to do though, one thing is clear: Revenge cannot wait for me to figure out how to set up my Patreon.

Thus, Bard Kitty is born. Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to send me any positive comments and reassurances that the Onion was wrong not to hire me that you may have!