LATHROP, CA—Good news for Lathrop resident Brett Graham: After a summer church retreat in Pinecrest, Graham discovered that God is perfectly pleased with the way he lives his life. Not only does God have zero objection to the many activities in which Graham participates, but God agrees with him on every subject, no matter how miniscule. It turns out that while God is also a huge Star Wars fan, he too agreed with Graham that the last two movies were disappointing.
Many at Graham’s local church were skeptical of his revelation, which included the fact that God prefers blondes like Graham’s new girlfriend to brunettes like Graham’s ex-girlfriend, but he erased all doubt when he shared his testimony the following Sunday. “While many have misinterpret coincidences in life as messages from God, what sets Graham apart is that he had a hunch that the signs he witnessed were real. His description of God, from his taste in music to his political affiliations, also conforms with what we know to be the true biblical nature of God,” said senior pastor Kevin White.
While Graham’s church has come to support him, other local churches argue that Graham’s revelations were heretic as members of their own congregations have experienced the true nature of God, some of which depict God as more of a fan of Lord of the Rings.